The Florida Alligator Massacre

My wife mentioned to me the other day how she might want to move to Florida. I assume that's because she is seeking to increase her exposure to 15 foot pythons, man-eating lizards, fatal hurricanes, bird-eating spiders and the sort of body odor that can only be coaxed from a human in +90 degree, 100% humidity type of weather. I got to thinking after hearing of the Florida Alligator Massacre that claimed the lives of three people down in the godforsaken jungles of the Sunshine State that living right here in Western New York ain't such a bad thing. We've been branded losers because of our sports franchises and bad weather, but as of last check, we don't have dinosaurs shooting out of Lake Erie or the Niagara River scooping up joggers for lunch. We haven't had anything resembling a real blizzard since that measly 10 feet of snow that fell a few years ago, and my house was still standing after that, unlike a lot of joints after those hurricanes blew through the southern states over the last few seasons. And now, according to the news, FLA is being overrun by enormous pythons that are eating the alligators and exploding, making a godawful mess of those lovely swamps down there. How did we get such an inferiority complex here in the Buffalo/Niagara Falls area? Why are people leaving this area as if the Ebola virus were running rampant and forcing our precious bodily fluids out any available orifice? There are immediate reasons.

Problem # 1: When I was in college a great many years ago, if you asked just about any student, they would tell you that the good jobs were all somewhere else. Of course, they would also tell you that they had drunk 22 beers and done a half a dozen bong hits at the "Save the Rain Forest" rally the night before. Unfortunately, that giant sucking sound you're hearing is not a night on the town for Hugh Grant, but a Ross Perot metaphor coming true. Our jobs are migrating down to the Carolinas and parts south. There are many, many Democrats in power here, and one great big drain on our State resources we like to call the Big Apple. Its the tax black hole so nice they named it twice. And its not that Democrats are always the problem. There are Democrats in power in many of the Southern states where all our jobs are going, but here in New York we have the worst kind of high-tax, politically correct Democrats. Both of our idiot Senators actually voted against making English the official language of the United States. Hillary worked hard to make our Federal Government (which has a hard enough time delivering the mail) responsible for controlling the entire health care system. Charlie Schumer would love to confiscate all our guns, abolish the death penalty and make life easier for all New Yorkers who have broken or are thinking about breaking the law. You may say, "But don't you guys have a Republican Governor up there?" Yeah, we do, but our Republicans up here run just to the left of Democrats in most other states. But, we keep on electing the same cast of baboons, so we get exactly what we deserve: high energy costs (although we have Niagara Falls, the greatest source of natural power and Indian gambling on the face of the planet,) high taxes and a fantastic abundance of economic malaise. So, on the political front, we're basically screwed. And I don't see that getting fixed anytime soon.

Problem #2: It gets kinda cold here. Of course, it gets kinda cold in a lot of places, so I guess I should revise the previous statement. It gets real goldang cold here. People who live down south probably don't know what it feels like to walk out of the house in the morning and have the mucous freeze solid in their noses. This is what we here in Western New York cleverly refer to as "snot-freezin' cold." You then proceed to your car and commence scraping. This can take anywhere from 30 seconds to 10 minutes, depending on how much glass your vehicle has, the temperature, and how much time you have to get to work. If I'm running late, I do a quick scrape job on the area immediately in front of where I will be looking through the windshield, and then kind of rub that spot as I'm driving to keep it clear. As far as looking through the side windows to take turns, I normally just pray and go. This may make it sound like harsh life here, but this normally goes on for only about a month, and then the slush season starts. Which goes on just into baseball season. It's still better than hurricanes, tornadoes and earthquakes.

Problem #3: Sports failures. Yeah, we lost 4 straight Super Bowls. How many teams even made it to 4 straight Super Bowls? None, that's how many. Everyone in this area, to a man, will tell you how difficult it is to make it to 4 straight Super Bowls. And every single one of them would most certainly give up the three blow-outs for that one 40+ yard field goal in XXV. And we went to 2 Stanley Cup finals and lost both of them (although one of those losses came via a goal that shouldn't have counted in 1999.) Oh, and we lost our basketball team back in 1978. And we got passed over for a Major League Baseball team during the expansion back in the 80's. There's other disappointments, but I don't have time to go into more detail.

Problem # 4: Low self-esteem. (See problems 1-3)

The bottom line is that this is still a great place to live. Niagara Falls is an awesome spectacle, and the Falls would be a bigger asset if we didn't have to share it with Canada. Those dang Canadians went ahead and made a tourist attraction of their side of the Falls instead of building countless landfills, ghetto style housing and allowing it to become a Mafia stronghold. What else would any responsible community do with one of the seven wonders of the world? Well, the Canadians built up scores of wax museums, souvenir stands, and one big mother casino worthy of Vegas. Sneaky, sneaky Canadians. So, after spending approximately 4 minutes on the U.S. side, Joe Tourist normally says something to himself that goes kinda like this: "Wow, all these landfills are really nice this time of year. I think I'll pack up the wife and kids and go to Canada now."

Buffalo is full of beautiful old buildings, many designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, a fantastic downtown AAA ballpark, and the HSBC Center, a state of the art arena which is home to the Buffalo Sabres. The Sabres and Bisons are a tad lonely down there, and surrounded by a great number of empty, crappy looking buildings. The beginnings of something great are here. Unfortunately, they've been here for quite a while. And beginning is as far as we've gotten.

So, in conclusion, I would like to make a suggestion. We, as citizens/voters, should immediately un-elect literally every person who is holding office right now. If a retarded pedophile is running against an incumbent, vote for him. Convince your friends and family to vote for him too. He can't do any worse than the guys that are in there now. If you feel you can do a better job than the retarded pedophiles who are already in office and you have the constitution to be a public official, run. I'll vote for you. And I'll talk all my friends and relatives into voting for you too. As far as the weather is concerned, there's not much we can do unless you listen to these environmentalists and their global warming theory. If you believe that whole thing, you may want to drive your car more and do some serious polluting. We also need to win a Stanley Cup, and we're pretty dang close right now, but knowing us, we'll probably screw it up. We're playing the Carolina Hurricanes in the Conference Finals, so Carolina (that great Hockey town)won't be happy with stealing all our jobs, they want the Cup too.

You know what to do. Now get to work.

The Great Rock 'n' Roll Swindle

I was 18 years old, nearing the end of my high school career and the beginning of the six year blur that was to end with a four year college degree, and this pretty Italian girl I was dating had huge brown eyes, full lips and that real cool 1980's hair thing where the top of her hair was roughly three feet above her nose. She was artistic, a little strange, and I was sure I was in love, until a blonde with her own car happened along, and as they say, that was that. But, before that whole sordid string of events unfolded, that pretty Italian girl turned me on to the Sex Pistols.

She had a documentary movie on VHS about 70's punk bands that featured concert footage of "God Save the Queen," Anarchy in the UK," and "Pretty Vacant." I was hooked. I immediately shot down to the local record store and picked up a copy of "Never Mind the Bullocks, Here's the Sex Pistols." This was in 1985, 7 years after Sid killed Nancy, and then died. I was never a big fan of Sid's. It seemed like all the idolatry was misplaced. I never thought hero-worship was due a guy who played bass poorly, became infatuated with a none-too-attractive groupie, knifed her to death, then, even after vast experience with heroin, ended up having too much and overdosing himself to death with it. By saying "too much heroin," it might sound as if I'm implying there is a correct amount of heroin. "The Snake Pit" does not condone the use of smack in any way, shape or form. I am all on the "Just Say NO to Horse" bandwagon. But yet still, Sid took too much horse. And died.

On a fairly regular basis I still pull out the CD with which I replaced the vinyl version of the Pistols' only studio offering and give it a spin. It's one of those albums that came around at the right time in my life and made a huge impression. (And since lists are so much dang fun to put together, a list of other albums that fall into this category will follow.)

The reason I bring all this up is because I recently, for the first time, saw The Great Rock 'n' Roll Swindle. The reason it took so long for me to finally take in this historic film is that it was nearly impossible to find back in the day. None of our local rental places offered the epic. And as I remember, I found a place where you could send away for it on VHS, but it cost about $100, which at the time, seemed a bit pricey. And, man, am I glad I didn't pony up the scratch. This film was obviously a last gasp attempt by manager Malcom McLaren, guitarist Steve Jones and drummer Paul Cook to cash in on a waning phenomenon. Johnny Rotten was already out of the picture. Whether he was booted from the band or took a walk is a matter of some conjecture, but the Pistols were a ghost of their former selves without him. An attempt was made to replace him with an actor who couldn't sing a lick named Tenpole Tudor, who is featured in the movie. Sid was obviously interested in little outside of Nancy and the demon horse, and is not prominently featured here until he turns in a memorable rendition of the Sinatra staple "My Way," in which he ends up turning a handgun on an audience that looks like it belongs in an opera house. Bloodshed ensues. In a move that can only be seen as "padding the running time," exisiting members Jones and Cook make a trip to South America to jam with Ronnie Biggs, the fugitive mastermind of the "Great Train Robbery." Poor music ensues. But the boys were able to make a few bucks before passing into obscurity until the inevitable reunion tour was to take place just a few years ago.

As a huge fan of the Pistols, I found The Great Rock 'n' Roll Swindle to be an interesting flick especially for some of the concert footage of the best known line-up of the band. We get to hear Johnny asking the San Francisco crowd at their last show, "Ever feel like you've been cheated?" I would lump this film into a bin that would include Kiss' Phantom of the Park, rather than with Zeppelin's The Song Remains the Same, or AC/DC's Let There Be Rock. If you're at all interested in the Pistols, grab The Filth and the Fury, an excellent documentary, or Sid and Nancy, that takes some dramatic license, but , like director Alex Cox' Repo Man, captures nicely the spirit of the punk movement that changed the jaded arena rock music scene for the better way back in the 1970's.

I was in Toronto in the late 1987, drinking my way down Yonge Street with a bunch of reprobates that I still call friends, and came upon a head shop in which I purchased a black t-shirt with a black and white picture of Johnny glaring that demented sneer that has become his trademark. Beneath the picture, in simple bold letters, it read simply, "Johnny Rotten." I have no idea whatever happened to that shirt, but I wore it for ten years before it disappeared. I've been looking for another one ever since. The music, the sneer and the attitude summed up my late teens and early twenties pretty nicely. We grow old, but with any luck, we don't grow up.

And now...

The Most Important Albums in the History of the World (to me.)

1) Destroyer- Kiss. I was 9 years old and this was the first album I saved up my allowance to buy. I had a bunch of 45's by the likes of Pablo Cruise, Boston and ELO, but this was the first album. From the opening intro of a dude preparing for a evening of partying that would end in disaster, to the fading strains of "Do You Love Me," this is a classic. The cover art is currently the wallpaper on both of my computers. Kiss' greatest opus and a heavy metal landmark.

2.) Welcome to my Nightmare- Alice Cooper- Although Billion Dollar Babies would become my favorite AC album, this was the one that got it started for me. Having always been fascinated by horror films and comic books, Alice filled the niche perfectly in music. And he's still doing it after all these years.

3.) Welcome to Hell- Venom- - Satanism was never quite so much fun as it was with the godfathers of true devil music. I'm not sure if this album was recorded in a shoe box or a phone booth, but the spirit and enthusiasm shines through in all its demonic glory.

4.) Never Mind the Bullocks, Here's the Sex Pistols- Sex Pistols- See above.

5.) Metallica- Ride the Lightning- "Creeping Death," "For Whom the Bell Tolls," and the title track set the pace for the speed metal that was to come. Before the crappy post "And Justice For All" tripe that made the airwaves, this is what real metal is all about.

6.) Hell Awaits- Slayer- Maybe not as important as "Reign in Blood," but this was the album that attracted me to this band. Still making uncompromising metal in their twilight years.

7.) Highway to Hell- AC/DC- Bon Scott was the greatest rock and roll singer of all time and Angus and Malcom are firing on all cylinders here. I listened to this album so much my mother knows the words to all these tunes.

8.) Double Live Gonzo- Ted Nugent- Ted introduced to me the concept of the guitar as a weapon. At one point on this live album, he reveals to the adoring crowd that his guitar could "take down a charging rhino at 30 paces, yes indeed." And then unleashes a couple of power chords, and you believe it.

9.) Nevermind- Nirvana- Reawakened that punk spirit that the Pistols birthed many moons before. Short-lived, however, and breeded the unfortunate "pop-punk" movement that is yielding crap like Green Day, Blink 182 and other heavily tattooed idiots lazily spewing the modern day musical equivalent of the Banana Splits.

10.) Piece of Mind- Iron Maiden- Arguably the greatest metal band of all time. This album is amazingly complex and melodic. Still in heavy rotation 20+ years later.