Upon hearing of the death of Peter Benchley, I was overcome with nostalgia for the good old 1970's. Then, I remembered disco music, leisure suits and Jimmy Carter, and I quickly became un-nostalgic. This soured my mood, and I realized that I have never been past my ankles in salt water, and, unless I'm being dragged by some large, wild animal (like Oprah) I never will. The fact that I will never be able to enjoy the ocean is largely, if not entirely, the fault of Peter Benchley. Yes, that Peter Benchley. The dead one. So, I have decided to sue the estate of one Mr. Peter Benchley for...oh, let's say $400 for the loss of a shot at a real Elvis style clambake, and for never having the chance to have jellyfish stings soothed by the urine of a passing female track team. If any particularly bloodthirsty lawyer happens to read this, please give me a shout. I'm not picky. Any low rent ambulance chaser who requires no money down will do.

After three tortuous, grueling days, the Olympics are still not over.

God knows I understand that George Hamilton was kicked off that dancing show recently. Seven different people (three of whom I have never met in my life) felt it was very important that I was privy to this major news item and then, of all things, I saw a story on the noon news shortly before I swore that I would never watch the news on that channel again. What I don't understand is why anyone gives a good flying fugg. Are these the depths to which we have descended? Watching has-been and never-was pseudo-celebrity non-dancers strap on the dancing boots to boogie it out in competition with one another? Here's the players as I know them: an ESPN Sports Desk anchor, an ex-football player, an unknown rapper, an actor who is known more for how well he tans than any of his work, and Tia Carrere, who is very attractive but has shown no other reason to be seen onscreen. Watching people who dance really well is boring as hell. Watching this bunch of talentless hoofers dance has got to be akin to having water drained off a knee with a really long needle. What will the archeaologists think when they dig up that video? Does anyone care? Apparently not, because as far as I can tell, I'm the only idiot on the face of the planet who is not watching this thing. All the other idiots are watching. Anyway, it's on the same time as Survivor, and Jesus knows I can't miss that.