Every time I decide to take in the next Saw flick, I plan on going back and at least watching the previous installment for a quick refresher. Then I quickly decide against it because the realization dawns on me that nothing at all ever goes on in a Saw flick that makes even the slightest bit of sense. The only things that matter are the twisted, utterly ingenious and gag inducing torture devices that some seriously warped Edison of Evil must be sitting up all night doing blow and drinking whiskey to come up with. 15 minutes after the credits rolled, if I hadn't taken a few notes, all I would have remembered about Saw VI is the shotgun merry-go-round with a bunch of insurance company slugs strapped to it, the hydrochloric acid sprinkler heads, the hold-your-breath-vice-grip-rig, and the contest to see who can cut the most body weight off themselves before one of those crazy headgear contraptions screws two big old bolts into your head and crushes your skull. Oh yeah, and the can-you-get-through-the-maze-with-hot-steam-shooting-in-your-grill-before-another-contraption- strapped-to-your-chest-shoots-a-spike-up-through-your-chin-and-on-outta-the-top-of-yer-melon. Did I mention that one?
All that being said, here is the plot as best as I could figure out without actually going back to watch the movie again or referring back to previous movies: John Kramer, aka Jigsaw, is one clever serial killer. And must have some kinda serious engineering degree. He gets himself all worked up after dying of cancer and seems to be (from beyond the grave or through a series of recorded messages) controlling his widow, and some cop named Hoffman, and an ex-junkie named Amanda, who may or may not be alive (I got confused there and went to the fridge for another beer when they may have explained that.) The motivations for any of these characters to buy into Jigsaw's plans are shaky at best, but who cares? It's all about the gore. So, through a series of insanely inventive and well thought out death traps and torture devices, our hero wreaks havoc on a set of deserving (if easy) targets, such as a health insurance company executive and his claim investigators, money lenders, an attorney and a smoker (who dies because he can't hold his breath as long as a health insurance exec!) There are envelopes with numbers on them, a couple of cops investigating the death of a colleague who seems to have been framed with the jigsaw murders by the cop who is actually committing them, but none of this really matters and thinking about it really has started to make my head hurt. What matters in a Saw film is the acting.
Kidding, of course, but there are a couple of perfs I would like to quickly mention. Costas Mandylor, who plays Hoffman, the cop who actually has taken over for Jigsaw, actually proves at the end of Saw VI that he can do a little more than just look angry and contort his lips. Upon regaining consciousness and finding he's strapped to a chair with one of those wonderful death lids strapped to his pouty mug, he looks pretty scared and then when the thing tears a big chuck outta his face, he screams in pain pretty believably. And Tobin Bell, who plays Jigsaw, should get some props for being effective enough to still be in these things even though the character died like 4 movies ago. No offense to Tobin (although the puppet on the tricycle is much scarier, and emotes a little more believably as well,) but if this character fell off the face of the planet and never appeared in another Saw film, I'm not sure I would even notice. It wouldn't be like an Elm Street without Freddie Krueger or a Camp Crystal Lake without Jason Voorhees. Now if the Saw guys retired those strapped on tuques of torment, I would seek out my torture porn in some other dark alley. No other perfs really stand out here, but acting really isn't why we watch Saw films either, is it?
What is the reason we return to the Saw franchise year after year after year? Cringe inducing scenes of bodily mutilation, spewing gore and inhuman torture and painful death, that's what! Three scenes stand out for me in this one. 1.) Jigsaw gets all Shylock on our asses. In the opening scene, a fat white guy and black lady who has, judging by her mid-section, apparently spent a great deal of time in the gym, are locked in two cages separated by two chutes that lead to a scale. We are given enough information to lead us to believe that they are money lenders of some sort (sub-prime mortgages?), but the reason they have been chosen for this gruesome episode is a tad vague. They have apparently lent people money who couldn't pay it back. Jigsaw is gonna be awful frigging busy if he sets out to kill everybody who was guilty of that over the past 10 years. Both of the offenders are equipped with Stetsons of Suffering which I mentioned earlier will cause one of them some minor discomfort if the other is able to slice off more of him/herself and dump it down the chute. Of course, our maniac hero has left the two unfortunates all the tools they will need to do the job. Carnage ensues. 2.) A flashback scene in which the aforementioned framed cop shows us what might have happened to Han, Luke, Leia and Chewie in the Death Star if R2 hadn't been able to shut down that trash compactor. The compound arm fracture and the aftermath are really something to behold. 3.) And the scene towards the end of the film in which a man is impaled by multiple spikes attached to hoses that pump him full of acid. The special effects money pays off here as he slowly melts from the rib cage down into a lake of goo. Tasty.
My favorite scene, however, isn't particularly gruesome, but extremely clever and effective. It involves a playground spin ride, a shotgun, and spike being driven through a guy's hand. Gotta see to believe. Good stuff.
As long as the makers of this series can continue formulating these bizarre and ingenious devices of torture and mayhem, keep the films right around an hour and a half, release them at Halloween time and bring them in on the cheap, this franchise could last longer than the Friday the 13th's. By my count, there are 12 Friday the 13's (including the Freddy v Jason thing and the "remake.") And the temptation must be overwhelming to make a Friday the 13th Part 13, so Saw has a ways to go yet.
The only problem may be finding a fresh bunch of "villains" for Jigsaw to grease. Maybe the fast food drive-thru kid who forgets to put a straw in the bag? Or the office co-worker who takes the last cup of coffee and doesn't start a new pot? (You kill the joe, you make some mo!) Or the horror movie fan who loses interest in a longstanding franchise and refuses to plunk down his hard earned cash at the local multiplex for the newest installment during a recession.
I guess the last 4 or 5 of these movies have started running together for me. I enjoy these movies, I really do. I just don't really remember much about them. Except the death pit full of syringes. And the hand crusher stopper thing for the swinging pendulum. Oh, and the circular saw hand choppers filling up the blood beakers. And there was the head-crushing blocks of ice/noose/electrocution gadget.....
4 outta 5.
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